august 1998

I dug an old picture out of the picture box a few months ago.  I got it out to prove to my sister that I didn’t always have fashion sense.  It’s an absolutely horrid picture of me, so I didn’t really look at it.  As I  was going to bed last night, I found it again.  this time I looked at it, really gave it a good study.  It’s not just that the me in that picture had extra weight, or bad hair, or trashy hippie clothes.  I realized the real reason I have a hard time looking at that picture is because I hated myself back then, and when you look at that picture, you can tell.  I stand hunched over, arms tightly crossed in clothes 4 sized too big.  I’m smiling, but the smile doesn’t reach my eyes.  This picture was taken the summer I was 20, around the same time I started practicing yoga.  (I promise, when I dig the scanner up, this will be its first victim)

 I was so disconnected back then, that I don’t even know if I could describe myself at that time.  None of the words that I use to describe me now would do.  If you showed that me, a picture of this me and told her this was where she would end up, she would never believe you.   So it got me wondering, what where you like before you found yoga?  Do you feel yoga has facilitated a profound shift in your fundamental  sense of self?  Does anyone think they are exactly the same? 

After mulling over this 20 year old me for a while, I vowed to help my daughter grow-up without having to go through such a horrible time.  I will foster her sense of self and how awesome she is, I will do everything I can to help her stay as happy and as glowing a little person as she is right now. 

And the very first thing this morning, I got busted recycling her art projects.